Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
