he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
