I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
