Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
