I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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