people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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