she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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