Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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