Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
