i was rollin on her like bob the builder
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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