Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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