Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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