We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
