okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
