the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm too high and old for this...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
