My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
