aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
