if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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