thus making me awesome and them whores
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
