i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
