It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I cockslap morals
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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