I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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