girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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