you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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