So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
