Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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