whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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