I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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