I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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