My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
