just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
