Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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