I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
