Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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