You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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