You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
