you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
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