Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
