She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
