I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
