What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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