Please, let me fuck your mom
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
