filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
