Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
