he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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