My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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