I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
either way he was missing a nipple.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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