when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
