i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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