we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
