if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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