please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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