Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
