he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
