Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
