yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
