There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
