wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
