I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
