I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize