a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
