Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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