And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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