Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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