so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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