First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
