Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Can I color on your dick again?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
