Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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