i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize