You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
