So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
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