Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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